On Monday I would have turned twenty weeks pregnant and according to the pregnancy app that sends me a notification (yes I still can't bring myself to delete it) our baby would be the size of a paper aeroplane.
We would be having our twenty week scan at any point now, to check up on baby to see if they are healthy, growing correctly and of course, find out the gender. Girl or boy? We will never know but I do have a very strong feeling that our baby was a girl, not because we have two boys already but I have this gut instinct and when I was pregnant, I felt very different compared to my other pregnancies. Of course I will never know for sure but I do find comfort in having this feeling. Kenzie also said something to John and I about myself carrying a baby girl, it may be nothing to others but I do believe that children can sense these things.
As we have this feeling about our angel being a baby girl and she is with my granddad in heaven, we decided to call our baby Blossom. Why? Because when I was a little girl my granddad used to always call me Blossom. I believe she's blossoming up in heaven and granddad is taking very good care of her.
This time of year, all the blossom trees are now blooming open and it's just so beautiful, this is honestly a perfect fit for our angel. So this is also why my blog name is called "BlossomingButterfly"
Every time I go outside, one thing I always look at is the Blossom trees, they are honestly so beautiful. This is very close to my heart and always will be, people may think I'm crazy for naming a baby I never got to see, meet or carry for long but this helps my grieving process, it really does. My granddad meant the world to me, I am still grieving for him and I do believe he is now taking care of my little girl. I can imagine her being just like me as a little girl, my granddad loved my blonde almost white curly hair, I was his little blossom.
Me aged 2 with granddad.
How am I feeling?
You want the honest answer? Better than before, I am coping but definitely still fragile and want to burst into tears every time I see a pregnancy or birth announcement but I'll get there. I find it mental I would be 20 weeks now, the time is just going so quick. I am learning to deal with it, but of course it will still be with me forever. I would love nothing more than to be so excited to hold my baby, kiss their soft little head and smell that baby smell that makes you feel so in love, it hurts I will never get to do that with my angel but I will get there and heal in time.
A very short but also meaningful blog post today. xo
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