On my bad days, I lay awake at night wondering if I'd be feeling my baby kick around now as I would be 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant and if they would be a girl or boy as we would be having our 20 week scan in just a few short weeks. Some days I find it hard to get of bed because I feel happier just sleeping away the pain but other days I can leap out of bed and have a really good day, of course it's still in the back of my mind but some days are just easier than others.
The pain of our miscarriage is still fresh, for some it only feels like days since they heard the devastating news but for me, it feels ages ago and I don't know why. I think the fact I have two children keeping me on my toes really helps, I have other support around me too and I honestly feel like opening up about the miscarriage is really helping.
Would our baby be a boy or a girl?
Would I have morning sickness?
When would I feel my baby kick for the first time?
Would my baby have lots of hair? Blonde, brown or ginger?
Would they have the cutest little button nose like their big brothers?
Who would they resemble more?
How big would my bump be now?
A million and one questions float around my head, I can't even bring myself to delete the pregnancy app because it feels like I would be erasing my baby. Every Monday I get a new notification as I would have entered a new week of pregnancy, pretty shit way to start the week, right?
We would have already had our first scan at 12 weeks and would have seen our baby growing and moving around, we would be so happy to be announcing another little bundle of joy to all our friends and family. How would we have announced?
All these questions and I can't even answer them because I will never know and that hurts.
I find it hard to see pregnancy announcements and birth announcements, not because I'm not happy for them but because, I feel some sort of jealously and my baby should be here, we should be celebrating a new little life too but instead we are grieving the loss of our baby who we only knew for moments but never got to see or feel them..
Who we will never see grow in my belly and we will never get to meet. We are basically waiting for a baby who is never going to arrive and that's something I am finding hard to come to terms with, the fact it's only been three months since the excruciating pain and we should be counting the months till our due date and enjoying the pregnancy.
Miscarriage hurts, physically and emotionally, it's not a case of just being able to get pregnant again, forgetting and getting on with your life. The pain is always there, whether you had your miscarriage last week or 6 yeas ago, it never goes away because a part of you is now missing. You can't compare your loss and how you should feel.
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