My Feelings After Our Miscarriage.

It's been three short months since our miscarriage and like anyone, I have my good days and my bad days.

On my bad days, I lay awake at night wondering if I'd be feeling my baby kick around now as I would be 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant and if they would be a girl or boy as we would be having our 20 week scan in just a few short weeks. Some days I find it hard to get of bed because I feel happier just sleeping away the pain but other days I can leap out of bed and have a really good day, of course it's still in the back of my mind but some days are just easier than others.
The pain of our miscarriage is still fresh, for some it only feels like days since they heard the devastating news but for me, it feels ages ago and I don't know why. I think the fact I have two children keeping me on my toes really helps, I have other support around me too and I honestly feel like opening up about the miscarriage is really helping.

Would our baby be a boy or a girl?
Would I have morning sickness?
When would I feel my baby kick for the first time?
Would my baby have lots of hair? Blonde, brown or ginger?
Would they have the cutest little button nose like their big brothers?
Who would they resemble more?
How big would my bump be now?

A million and one questions float around my head, I can't even bring myself to delete the pregnancy app because it feels like I would be erasing my baby. Every Monday I get a new notification as I would have entered a new week of pregnancy, pretty shit way to start the week, right?
We would have already had our first scan at 12 weeks and would have seen our baby growing and moving around, we would be so happy to be announcing another little bundle of joy to all our friends and family. How would we have announced?
All these questions and I can't even answer them because I will never know and that hurts.

I find it hard to see pregnancy announcements and birth announcements, not because I'm not happy for them but because, I feel some sort of jealously and my baby should be here, we should be celebrating a new little life too but instead we are grieving the loss of our baby who we only knew for moments but never got to see or feel them..
Who we will never see grow in my belly and we will never get to meet. We are basically waiting for a baby who is never going to arrive and that's something I am finding hard to come to terms with, the fact it's only been three months since the excruciating pain and we should be counting the months till our due date and enjoying the pregnancy.

Miscarriage hurts, physically and emotionally, it's not a case of just being able to get pregnant again, forgetting and getting on with your life. The pain is always there, whether you had your miscarriage last week or 6 yeas ago, it never goes away because a part of you is now missing. You can't compare your loss and how you should feel.

Our miscarriage.

For a few days I had that sicky feeling along with a strange taste in my mouth, you know that sort of feeling when you are pregnant. I then had this "gut feeling" that I was pregnant but I was in denial, not because I didn't want another child but because it never feels real at first. It's always taken me until my first scan at least to get my head around I am pregnant. Just the total shock and excitement of becoming a mumma!
I decided to take a test and I waited nervously for the result, I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know if it was going to be one line or two. It then came up with a VERY VERY faint line that you could just about notice, I wasn't sure if this meant I was pregnant or not. I was confused so I decided to confront a friend who said that it is definitely positive and I am for sure pregnant! I was told by several people that they had very faint lines but they went onto having their babies so it gave me some hope. I obviously was still unsure and confused but I felt a bit of excitement creeping through as I never expected anything bad to happen to me, I mean I've had two healthy pregnancies and children so why would this ever happen to me?
I decided to take as many tests as possible when I could, so when I took a second test there was no line at all. I was so confused and kept staring at each tests wondering why on earth is happening. When I took another test there was another very faint line but even fainter than the first faint line.
This actually meant that my levels were indeed dropping and that I was losing my baby, which was confirmed by my doctor but nothing could be done and I just had to "wait it out".
I hated hearing I have to "wait it out" so I just have to let my baby die? Why can't anything be done? Can I not at least check everything is okay by a scan at least?
I didn't get to hear my babies heartbeat or even see my baby on the screen but I could just imagine they would be a little wriggler just like their big brothers used to be and their heartbeat would have been the most soothing sound. I now only have my two positive tests that showed I was carrying a little life, that is all I have left of my little baby.
After speaking with the doctor I wanted to ring my mum, I wasn't sure how to approach the situation but I just needed to talk to someone as John was at work. My mum was gentle with me and was there for me, she's always been a big support to me, no matter what. I felt better speaking with her and I felt okay.

It doesn't sink in at first at what's happened, it didn't for a long time, I didn't shed a tear either at first, I felt a bit sick and I was in pain, it was like a very unusual period. I don't think I wanted to believe that I was going through a miscarriage, I couldn't even say the word miscarriage. I had two healthy pregnancies and children so why the hell would this happen to me? Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with my body? Even John questioned if it was his fault or if there was something wrong with him but he always reassured me, it wasn't me at all and that we would get through this.
We didn't speak a whole lot about what's happened, I think we were both dealing with this in our own way and that's okay. We shared once or twice how we felt, cuddling each other but it's been hard to talk about it. Now time is going on, we are better at speaking about our loss.
I can't really put into words how I felt at the time going through this, I sort of felt numb and was in denial for a long time, expecting to wake up from a bad dream. I think the worst part of going through this is the physical pain, the cramps and the bleeding. It was just a constant reminder and no matter how many times I reboiled the kettle and filled up my hot water bottle, the pain was still there. The feeling of losing your child is unbearable, you are always thinking, well what if? What if I did something different, could I have prevented it from happening?

I needed to share how I was feeling somewhere so I decided to share what had happened, I knew this would help me to grieve and I felt safe posting to my own Instagram page. I went ahead and posted a photo of our little family along with our now angel child and set up a group. I felt a bit better being able to rant, chat and share how I felt during the first few weeks and month of experiencing this pain.
I don't think I would have been able to cope so well without the support from others and having a place to share my thoughts and feelings. At first I was made to feel like I shouldn't share this because it wasn't important and wasn't a child I had met, I felt I shouldn't really be posting about what's happened but I am allowed to grieve for my child, no I may not have met my child, I may have never seen my child on a scan or even heard their little heartbeat, this all happened to quickly and before I knew it, my baby was gone but I AM ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. I am grieving in my own way, a blog will help with this too.
Going through a miscarriage, is heartbreaking and you're not sure how to feel. I have had good days where I felt I had my feelings under control but some days I would just break down and felt like I couldn't cope. Some days are a lot harder than others.

We lost our baby just before Christmas and our due date would have been the 21st August 2017.

The Blossoming Butterfly Introduction.

The Blossoming Butterfly.

Introduction:

I wanted to start up a new blog, talking about the experience of loss in general and going through a miscarriage. I wanted to share how I felt during my miscarriage and how I feel after, I will be answering questions you have, cover topics that others have suggested and generally speaking about miscarriage. I have been open about my loss as I feel better expressing my feelings, this isn't for everyone though and some like to keep things private, we all deal with loss differently and that's okay. Another reason for setting up a new blog and talking about loss is because I feel some may benefit from reading others experiences and it may help them to open up about their loss.

This post is just an introduction page and what you will find on the Blossoming Butterfly Blog.

Firstly, I want to introduce myself for those who may not know who I am or for those who follow me on social media but don't know a lot about me.

My name is Katie, I am currently twenty one years old and I am living in England Suffolk. I first became a mother at just seventeen after I became pregnant at just sixteen. I now have a very healthy, happy, loving, clever, handsome four year old named McKenzie. In 2014, my partner (who I will introduce shortly) and I had another baby boy, who is now two years old. Alfie Colin is a cheeky, beautiful, thriving little toddler. I also run a small shop online, crafting and selling small gifts and treasures for those who have been through loss..  Whether they have lost a parent, a friend, a child or been through a miscarriage. I try to help support those grieving. I set up my own small shop after the loss of my granddad and making unique photos that everyone loved, I have helped many people deal with grieving and now my small shop has bloomed in the past year! I will pop my link to my small shop below so you can have a browse if you wish to. ( I don't want to make my blog posts all about selling to gain customers if that was anyones thoughts! ) Here are a few of my makes though! (Feathers & Treasures)

McKenzie is a very clever little boy who loves writing numbers, singing the alphabet, playing with his friends at preschool and is a daddies boy. He absolutely loves the film Trolls and Moana right now too! McKenzie who we call Kenzie even though he is a daddies boy, he enjoys sitting with his mumma having cuddles and having deep conversations about absolutely anything. I really enjoy the age Kenzie is at now, the mini conversations we have, listening to what he's done at school, what he thinks about life in general and we can learn together. Children at this age are the best, they are completely oblivious as to what happens in the big wide world but their love for everything and anyone is amazing.
Alfie, our youngest little boy is such a cheeky boy and has such a big personality, his favourite right now are dinosaurs and he loves singing along to the Trolls soundtrack with his big brother. Alfie has not long started preschool and since then he has come on absolutely amazing, he has never wanted to leave my side as he is such a mummies boy and if I left him, he would just cry and cry. He did at first cry when I dropped him into preschool but he's now getting used to the fact I AM coming back and he can have lots of fun, make friends and learn all at the same time. You would think that because Alfie has such a big personality, he wouldn't be afraid to leave my side for a few hours a day and would be confident in going places but really, he's a homely boy and loves helping me around the house.
Kenzie and Alfie are two completely different boys but so alike at the same time. Kenzie is a happy, loving, quiet and content boy where as Alfie is the complete opposite. It really does amaze me how I created both boys yet they are so different! I couldn't be more proud to be these two boys mumma, I know their daddy is just as proud too and on that note, I'll now introduce my partner and their daddy!

I have been with my partner John nearly six years now, we met online and many people thought it was such a silly teenage online relationship and that we would never meet up. We actually met up after a few months of talking and dating, it then went from there and then eight months into our relationship, we became parents for the first time! We have been together ever since and neither of us look back.
John is my best friend, I can talk to him about everything and anything, he's there for me when I need him and he makes me feel comfortable with who I am. Sure, we have our ups and downs but what couple doesn't? He's a real pest leaving those cupboard doors open or leaving crumbs on the side but, he is honestly an amazing person, inside and out. John works hard to provide for his family and he makes me proud with the things he does. I always see posts online talking about how their partners are lazy or are just real assh*les and I honestly feel very lucky to have met John and have him in my life.
I am also very lucky and grateful that he is an amazing father to our children, our boys look up to their father already and it makes me burst with pride.

If you have any questions you'd like me to answer in my blog posts, please do share them with me and I will answer those I feel most comfortable answering. I am a pretty open person but of course, some things I would rather not share online.
If you would like me to cover any topics about loss too, please share them with me also.
You can contact me here on my blog.
My Instagram account - @katees__
My Twitter account.- @kaatees_

Also, if you are struggling right now and need to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to contact me. I found talking and sharing experiences really has helped me to "cope" with my loss rather than holding it in. We all deal with loss differently but its okay to open up and share your feelings. People can also learn a lot from hearing your experiences.
I want to help others with their loss, talk to others who have been through the same and listen to others with their different experiences.
I really hope some benefit from reading my blog posts and you enjoy reading too.