For a few days I had that sicky feeling along with a strange taste in my mouth, you know that sort of feeling when you are pregnant. I then had this "gut feeling" that I was pregnant but I was in denial, not because I didn't want another child but because it never feels real at first. It's always taken me until my first scan at least to get my head around I am pregnant. Just the total shock and excitement of becoming a mumma!
I decided to take a test and I waited nervously for the result, I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know if it was going to be one line or two. It then came up with a VERY VERY faint line that you could just about notice, I wasn't sure if this meant I was pregnant or not. I was confused so I decided to confront a friend who said that it is definitely positive and I am for sure pregnant! I was told by several people that they had very faint lines but they went onto having their babies so it gave me some hope. I obviously was still unsure and confused but I felt a bit of excitement creeping through as I never expected anything bad to happen to me, I mean I've had two healthy pregnancies and children so why would this ever happen to me?
I decided to take as many tests as possible when I could, so when I took a second test there was no line at all. I was so confused and kept staring at each tests wondering why on earth is happening. When I took another test there was another very faint line but even fainter than the first faint line.
This actually meant that my levels were indeed dropping and that I was losing my baby, which was confirmed by my doctor but nothing could be done and I just had to "wait it out".
I hated hearing I have to "wait it out" so I just have to let my baby die? Why can't anything be done? Can I not at least check everything is okay by a scan at least?
I didn't get to hear my babies heartbeat or even see my baby on the screen but I could just imagine they would be a little wriggler just like their big brothers used to be and their heartbeat would have been the most soothing sound. I now only have my two positive tests that showed I was carrying a little life, that is all I have left of my little baby.
After speaking with the doctor I wanted to ring my mum, I wasn't sure how to approach the situation but I just needed to talk to someone as John was at work. My mum was gentle with me and was there for me, she's always been a big support to me, no matter what. I felt better speaking with her and I felt okay.
It doesn't sink in at first at what's happened, it didn't for a long time, I didn't shed a tear either at first, I felt a bit sick and I was in pain, it was like a very unusual period. I don't think I wanted to believe that I was going through a miscarriage, I couldn't even say the word miscarriage. I had two healthy pregnancies and children so why the hell would this happen to me? Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with my body? Even John questioned if it was his fault or if there was something wrong with him but he always reassured me, it wasn't me at all and that we would get through this.
We didn't speak a whole lot about what's happened, I think we were both dealing with this in our own way and that's okay. We shared once or twice how we felt, cuddling each other but it's been hard to talk about it. Now time is going on, we are better at speaking about our loss.
I can't really put into words how I felt at the time going through this, I sort of felt numb and was in denial for a long time, expecting to wake up from a bad dream. I think the worst part of going through this is the physical pain, the cramps and the bleeding. It was just a constant reminder and no matter how many times I reboiled the kettle and filled up my hot water bottle, the pain was still there. The feeling of losing your child is unbearable, you are always thinking, well what if? What if I did something different, could I have prevented it from happening?
I needed to share how I was feeling somewhere so I decided to share what had happened, I knew this would help me to grieve and I felt safe posting to my own Instagram page. I went ahead and posted a photo of our little family along with our now angel child and set up a group. I felt a bit better being able to rant, chat and share how I felt during the first few weeks and month of experiencing this pain.
I don't think I would have been able to cope so well without the support from others and having a place to share my thoughts and feelings. At first I was made to feel like I shouldn't share this because it wasn't important and wasn't a child I had met, I felt I shouldn't really be posting about what's happened but I am allowed to grieve for my child, no I may not have met my child, I may have never seen my child on a scan or even heard their little heartbeat, this all happened to quickly and before I knew it, my baby was gone but I AM ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. I am grieving in my own way, a blog will help with this too.
Going through a miscarriage, is heartbreaking and you're not sure how to feel. I have had good days where I felt I had my feelings under control but some days I would just break down and felt like I couldn't cope. Some days are a lot harder than others.
We lost our baby just before Christmas and our due date would have been the 21st August 2017.
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